I wish some things were different. Not all things, just a few. Like, I wish my mother hadn't moved to California, for instance. I miss her. I still need her from time to time. Dad tries, but... There's only so much a grown man can handle or understand of the mind of a teenaged woman. I don't blame him for that. It's just natural.
I wish Jason never went on his missionary trip for Haiti all those years ago. There was no way to know there was something wrong with the plane, I know, so it would have been selfish of me to ask him to stay. But if he hadn't gone... He'd still be with me.
He used to give me daisies every month, and laugh when the scent made me wiggle my nose. He used to take me to the park where my parents met and watch me dance in the sun. He would brush my hair out of my eyes and tell me something that he loved about me -- and each time it would be something different...
I used to trace his fingers with mine... Feeling amazed at how they could be calloused from work yet soft at the same time...
I used to lie beside him in the grass and listen to all the things he'd do someday...
I remember how the gold in his eyes would flicker with emotion when he talked about his ambitions...
It would also flicker every time he looked at me...
Not all of my wishes deal with me, though. I wish some things were different for my friends, too.
I wish Anna's fiance never cheated on her. She had gone through so much already... I'll never forget the way she looked at me when she found out. I'd never seen her so broken...
I wish Aaron could have found his mom before she died. He had wanted nothing but to meet the woman who loved him enough to give him a chance at life... despite the circumstances of his conception.
I don't want everything to be different, though. There are some things I'm glad are different. For instance, because Mom left, Dad quit drinking. He smiles more now, and laughs more now. I love our Thursday night card games... We never had that when Mom was here... There was only fighting.
I'm grateful Jason's sister found a way to cope through her paintings. The images and blends of colors that come from her have made her name famous throughout the world -- with every painting showing another piece of the love she had for her brother.
I'm happy that Aaron and Anna found each other. They were just what the other needed to go through their respective heartaches. It's like magic, seeing them together.
I'm grateful that not everything is different.
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I intended to write a personal blog entry into my Xanga but wrote this instead. I guess someone else needed to vent more than I did. I hope I can flesh out her character and find out who she is someday...
Please comment :)
