The other students walked by her-- none offering to help her, none even acknowledging her. Mina brushed it off and continued to place the papers back in their respective notebooks and folders; she hadn't expected anything different. She had only been at this school for a month, and so hadn't gathered the nerve to speak to anyone yet let alone make friends.
Her father had passed away two months before, she and her mother still haven't recovered from it. Unable to afford the house without him, Mina's aunt, Karen, invited them both to live with her. Karen owned her own bookstore and had plenty of room for them in her apartment upstairs. Mina's mother gratefully accepted.
While her mother was able to land a job as a waitress at a local Cafe, Mina was unfortunate in her attempts to find a job. Karen then offered her a position in her bookstore, where she could work everyday after school if she liked. Relieved that she can now help her mother with the finances, Mina accepted.
As Mina walked out of the classroom building she glanced at her watch. She had missed the bus but if she took the shortcut home she could still make it in time for work. Walking along the sidewalk leading off campus, Mina found herself behind two girls she recognized as cheerleaders. She slowed her pace, not daring to get too close and risk being spotted. The girls carried on, the Sun's rays shinning in the gold of their hair, their pom-poms bouncing lightly on their waists, with their voices dancing around each sentence.
They seemed to be talking excitedly about something, but she was too far behind them to understand it all. From what she could make out, something had happened during last night's Ballet Recital.
Before she could hear more, Mina spotted the dirt road that cut through the woods: her fastest way home. Suddenly remembering where she was supposed to be, she drew away from the girls and quickly made her way down the path.
Her mother never liked it when Mina took this path-- partly because she feared over the possibility of snakes lurking in the bushes --but mainly because once Mina was inside the woods, no one would be able to see her, nor barely hear her.
But Mina was used to neither being seen or heard.
She walked quickly, but carefully. She had seen rabbits make their homes nearby and didn't wish to frighten them. She heard a rustle, and her gaze landed on a squirrel darting across the path. Mina smiled for the first time that day as a memory of her father reached her. They had always taken a weekly walk through the woods, just the two of them. Her father had always loved to study the animals with her.
She looked to her wrist on her right hand, and admired her mood bracelet. It was the last gift he ever gave her.
Mina heard another rustle, one too heavy to be the weight of a squirrel or rabbit. She tensed and studied her surroundings. When nothing moved she started on the path again. It wouldn't be long until she reached the end.
She heard the rustle again, louder this time, but before Mina could turn a hand was pressed firmly against her mouth and waist, her books falling around her as she reached up and attempted to free herself from the hold.
She was spun and pinned against a tree. It was a man who was attacking her-- Mina's blood ran cold as she realized what was happening. The man leaned in and began kissing her neck, his body holding her firm against the tree. Tears filled her eyes as she tried desperately to get the man off of her. She could see her bracelet turning an ugly black as he struggled to keep her still. Then, deciding on a better tactic, he pushed her to the ground and pinned her, one hand holding both of hers above her head, the other trying to rip through her jeans. She was crying heavily now, her body struggling under his weight.
"Please don't! No! Please! Let me go!"
He landed a punch on her right cheek, knocking the fight out of her. Pain seared across Mina's face, causing her to cry harder.
"Please.... please..."
He was pulling her jeans down, trying to reposition himself without taking his weight off of her.
"No..."
His face was wild and ugly, his eyes dark with hunger. Mina's heart raced as she felt her jeans pass her ankles. She sobbed harder as he went over her body... kissing... biting.
"P-Please...."
She was struggling, but the weight of his body was too much.
"No..."
She felt the world grow dark around her. She looked passed the trees to the sky and realized it had gone black, the Sun completely covered.
"No."
It was starting to thunder.
"No!"
He was reaching for her underwear.
"NO!"
Her eyes snap shut as a blinding light passed her, forcing the man off of her. He flew through the air and landed several yards away. Smoke emitted from his body.
He lay still.
Breathing heavily, Mina lay there a few seconds before slowly sitting up. What had happened? Her legs weak, she crawled toward her jeans and gripped them firmly. Her hands were shaking. Using a tree as a base, she slowly stood, leaning heavily against it. Standing, she had a better view of the man.
His skin was turned white, incredibly so, and emitted smoke as if it were burned.
Mina slowly pulled her jeans back on, the button had been popped off so she had to hold it up herself.
Keeping a hand on her jeans, she used her other hand to lean against the trees as she slowly walked closer. Why hadn't he moved? Why was there smoke?
It wasn't until she was about twenty feet away that she understood.
Lightning. The man was struck dead by lightning.
But wait... He had been on top of her. Wouldn't she have been struck too? Mina lifted her gaze back to the sky. The thunder had subsided but it was still dark. She closed her eyes and forced herself to think back to what happened:
He was on top of her, pinning her... She cried, pleaded... He ripped off her jeans, and the sky went black--
Wait. Black? Her eyes opened wide and studied the sky again. When she left campus it was sunny, so sunny in fact that the hair on those cheerleaders heads shined. How had the weather changed so suddenly?
She looked down at her bracelet, it was slowly returning to the shade of blue it had been before the attack. It had been black during the struggle.
Then she remembered.
When the man attacked her, Mina grew increasingly stressed, angry, and terrified. Her bracelet changed colors to reflect that.
Had the weather...?
Mina looked upwards and saw that just as her bracelet changed back, the clouds dispersed and the Sun shined brightly again.
It couldn't be... Could it?
When she screamed she remembered feeling something rush past her. She remembered moving the object away from her and toward the attacker.
Was the thing she moved the... the lightning?
Quickly gathering her things, Mina ran out of the woods in the direction of home.
What was she?
2 comments:
This would probably more rough than your other excerpts. There are minor mistakes I don't think anyone else would have noticed. I'll point them out later.
The description of the scene at the campus was good, but in the forest was more vague, which downplayed the intense moment of the discovery of her powers.
I like how she doesn't know about (damn I forgot her name >.< now I must check) the other girl at the ballet recital, but she hears about, gossip in school. Kudos for that.
Overall, I wanted to say that it didn't give me a connection with the character, but it's just an excerpt so I can't be too critical.
It started out strong. Awesome job with the details and grounding the reader to the story. Extra points for including Genna, it helps set a timeline.
However the forest scene lacked something. There should be more description during the attack, especially since later you say the intensity of the lightning was due to her emotions.
I loved the way you cut the parts where she is pleading. Very effective. Overall it was kick butt awesome! However, not quite up to par with Genna's excerpt.
Then again, what do I know?!
Teddy Bear
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