I thought I'd repost it here since even I think it's awesome. Might skim old entries of my Xanga to find stories there and do the same.
Enjoy.
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I kept my eyes open for her. The hall was flooded with people but I knew she was here somewhere.
There. She was sitting at the table alone, everyone else must've gone to dance.
I headed for her, but someone else stood in my way. It was the brunette from my sixth period.
"C'mon let's dance! I love this song!"
"Actually I was--" but I was already being dragged to the dance floor. The song was fast enough so I decided to humor her.
Wasn't long until I regretted it.
She was dancing way too close and 'wild' for my taste. It seemed pretty clear she wanted all my attention on her.
The song ended and I gratefully left the dance floor while she was placing in a request.
She was still sitting there. Her fork idly playing with the napkin. She looked up at me as I sat beside her. She quickly directed her gaze back at her fork. "Hey."
"Hey.." I had never seen her in a dress before. The black gown wrapped around her perfectly, her hair down well past her shoulders. She never wore any make-up, which I had always loved since it left her face unmasked, allowing her natural beauty to shine through. Her skin was smooth and clear, and her full lips were a little rosy, she must've been bitting them recently. I could see the flames from the center-piece candles reflected in her dark eyes. "You look beautiful."
She rolled her eyes, her grip on her fork tightening.
"You do."
Her eyes narrowed at me. "Stop it."
I sighed. She never believed any compliment I gave her. She had started playing with her fork again. "We need to talk--"
"Here comes your little friend."
I turn my head to see the brunette heading towards me. She latched onto my arm. "C'mon they're playing my favorite next!"
"Have fun." She dropped her fork and stood, quickly making her way outside to the balcony.
"Wait!" I shake the brunette off my arm, then rush after her.
She was leaning against the railing, her back turned to me. I stopped a few feet behind her.
"It's not what you think. She just asked me to dance, I'm not--"
"Oh I'm sure that's all it was."
"That is all it was! I got away as fast as I could."
"Oh, I'm sure you did. It's not like you ever had trouble turning away from attractive girls."
My shoulders fell with the weight of her words. I had to swallow hard before I could speak again. "I know I screwed up...but I promise I won't ever make that mistake again...."
She turned with a fierce look in her eyes."You promised never to make it in the first place! How can you be so sure you wouldn't make it again?"
"Do you really think I'd do that again after knowing how much it hurt to lose you?!"
"Oh, I'm sure it hurt alot, what with your ability to endure pain. If you dislocated a shoulder you'd just pop it back in without a single wince!"
"It's not the same thing and you know it!"
"Just do me a favor and spare me the stories." She walked passed me but I grabbed her wrist before she could get away.
"Would you just listen to me, I--" I must've pulled harder than I thought because she was suddenly against my chest and my arms were around her. She had stiffened, but didn't move. I could smell her shampoo in her hair, and I found myself pulling her closer. She was warm despite the slight chill outside. I hadn't held her in so long... Her soft voice broke through my thoughts.
"You..what?"
I realized I had forgotten what I was going to say. I tried to remember, but I couldn't concentrate on anything but the feeling of her body against mine, the feeling of my arms around her waist. "I don't remember..."
"Oh..." She was slowly relaxing, and soon I felt her arms wrap around me tightly. I felt relief flood my senses as I tightened my hold on her. God how I've missed her touch...
"I love you..." I hugged her as tight as I could. "I love you so much.." I felt my shirt grow wet and I reluctantly pulled back a little. I placed a hand under her chin and gently lifted her face. Her cheeks and nose were pink, and wet from her tears. I wiped her eyes with my thumb as she bit her lip, most likely to fight back more tears.
"I love you too..." Her voice was so quiet I almost didn't hear it. Before I could stop myself I lowered my head and kissed her. It was quick, but it was enough to send my mind spiraling through every moment I had with her... Everything I had lost.
I felt her pull me close and I kissed her again, and this time she responded.
God I had forgotten how soft her lips were.
She held me tight as we stood there, our lips meeting again and again. I couldn't believe this was happening. That she was here with me after so long.
We pulled away, and I was drawn to those dark eyes I had always lost myself in. She seemed to be as lost in the past as I was.
Suddenly, something sparked in those dark pupils, and she stiffened.
No...No not now.. Please don't remember...
She pulled away, her gaze turned away from mine. Please, no..
"I have to go."
"Wait-" I reached for her hand but missed, and she rushed back through the doors. I went after her, but the doors had closed, blocking my view of her. I threw them open, the noise of thundering music and laughter ripped through the once quiet balcony. No one has had their fill of the night and the hall was filled with hundreds of bodies.
I looked around frantically trying to catch a glipse of her among the masses. I hadn't seen which direction she had gone and felt a sense of panic. I had to find her before--
There! She was closing in on the exit doors at the far end of the hall. I called out to her but my voice was drawn out by the music. My blood ran cold as she opened the doors and ran out.
I pushed and shoved my way through the crowd, trying to get to her as fast as I could. Then finally I bolted through the doors, my eyes frantically searching the parking lot for her car. She had to have reached it by now.
I kept calling for her, hoping, praying that she'd wait.
To my far right I heard a car roar to life. I ran towards the row of cars where the sound originated, I could see her blue Toyota pulling out of a spot. "Stop!!"
She was accelerating, I called out her name again but she was soon out of my reach. I stood there, breathing hard, as she drove out of the lot.
My chest clenched. I let out a yell and punched the trunk of the nearest car. The car alarm went off, its loud whines ringing through the air, making my heart pound against my ribs. I ran both my hands over my face.
I lost her... I lost her all over again...
There. She was sitting at the table alone, everyone else must've gone to dance.
I headed for her, but someone else stood in my way. It was the brunette from my sixth period.
"C'mon let's dance! I love this song!"
"Actually I was--" but I was already being dragged to the dance floor. The song was fast enough so I decided to humor her.
Wasn't long until I regretted it.
She was dancing way too close and 'wild' for my taste. It seemed pretty clear she wanted all my attention on her.
The song ended and I gratefully left the dance floor while she was placing in a request.
She was still sitting there. Her fork idly playing with the napkin. She looked up at me as I sat beside her. She quickly directed her gaze back at her fork. "Hey."
"Hey.." I had never seen her in a dress before. The black gown wrapped around her perfectly, her hair down well past her shoulders. She never wore any make-up, which I had always loved since it left her face unmasked, allowing her natural beauty to shine through. Her skin was smooth and clear, and her full lips were a little rosy, she must've been bitting them recently. I could see the flames from the center-piece candles reflected in her dark eyes. "You look beautiful."
She rolled her eyes, her grip on her fork tightening.
"You do."
Her eyes narrowed at me. "Stop it."
I sighed. She never believed any compliment I gave her. She had started playing with her fork again. "We need to talk--"
"Here comes your little friend."
I turn my head to see the brunette heading towards me. She latched onto my arm. "C'mon they're playing my favorite next!"
"Have fun." She dropped her fork and stood, quickly making her way outside to the balcony.
"Wait!" I shake the brunette off my arm, then rush after her.
She was leaning against the railing, her back turned to me. I stopped a few feet behind her.
"It's not what you think. She just asked me to dance, I'm not--"
"Oh I'm sure that's all it was."
"That is all it was! I got away as fast as I could."
"Oh, I'm sure you did. It's not like you ever had trouble turning away from attractive girls."
My shoulders fell with the weight of her words. I had to swallow hard before I could speak again. "I know I screwed up...but I promise I won't ever make that mistake again...."
She turned with a fierce look in her eyes."You promised never to make it in the first place! How can you be so sure you wouldn't make it again?"
"Do you really think I'd do that again after knowing how much it hurt to lose you?!"
"Oh, I'm sure it hurt alot, what with your ability to endure pain. If you dislocated a shoulder you'd just pop it back in without a single wince!"
"It's not the same thing and you know it!"
"Just do me a favor and spare me the stories." She walked passed me but I grabbed her wrist before she could get away.
"Would you just listen to me, I--" I must've pulled harder than I thought because she was suddenly against my chest and my arms were around her. She had stiffened, but didn't move. I could smell her shampoo in her hair, and I found myself pulling her closer. She was warm despite the slight chill outside. I hadn't held her in so long... Her soft voice broke through my thoughts.
"You..what?"
I realized I had forgotten what I was going to say. I tried to remember, but I couldn't concentrate on anything but the feeling of her body against mine, the feeling of my arms around her waist. "I don't remember..."
"Oh..." She was slowly relaxing, and soon I felt her arms wrap around me tightly. I felt relief flood my senses as I tightened my hold on her. God how I've missed her touch...
"I love you..." I hugged her as tight as I could. "I love you so much.." I felt my shirt grow wet and I reluctantly pulled back a little. I placed a hand under her chin and gently lifted her face. Her cheeks and nose were pink, and wet from her tears. I wiped her eyes with my thumb as she bit her lip, most likely to fight back more tears.
"I love you too..." Her voice was so quiet I almost didn't hear it. Before I could stop myself I lowered my head and kissed her. It was quick, but it was enough to send my mind spiraling through every moment I had with her... Everything I had lost.
I felt her pull me close and I kissed her again, and this time she responded.
God I had forgotten how soft her lips were.
She held me tight as we stood there, our lips meeting again and again. I couldn't believe this was happening. That she was here with me after so long.
We pulled away, and I was drawn to those dark eyes I had always lost myself in. She seemed to be as lost in the past as I was.
Suddenly, something sparked in those dark pupils, and she stiffened.
No...No not now.. Please don't remember...
She pulled away, her gaze turned away from mine. Please, no..
"I have to go."
"Wait-" I reached for her hand but missed, and she rushed back through the doors. I went after her, but the doors had closed, blocking my view of her. I threw them open, the noise of thundering music and laughter ripped through the once quiet balcony. No one has had their fill of the night and the hall was filled with hundreds of bodies.
I looked around frantically trying to catch a glipse of her among the masses. I hadn't seen which direction she had gone and felt a sense of panic. I had to find her before--
There! She was closing in on the exit doors at the far end of the hall. I called out to her but my voice was drawn out by the music. My blood ran cold as she opened the doors and ran out.
I pushed and shoved my way through the crowd, trying to get to her as fast as I could. Then finally I bolted through the doors, my eyes frantically searching the parking lot for her car. She had to have reached it by now.
I kept calling for her, hoping, praying that she'd wait.
To my far right I heard a car roar to life. I ran towards the row of cars where the sound originated, I could see her blue Toyota pulling out of a spot. "Stop!!"
She was accelerating, I called out her name again but she was soon out of my reach. I stood there, breathing hard, as she drove out of the lot.
My chest clenched. I let out a yell and punched the trunk of the nearest car. The car alarm went off, its loud whines ringing through the air, making my heart pound against my ribs. I ran both my hands over my face.
I lost her... I lost her all over again...
3 comments:
It's beautiful...I only wish I knew exactly what she remembered that would make her run away from him.
Hello,
I thought this was good. One thing you need to watch slightly is mixing your tenses up in the same paragraph/sentence. I can't get back to the original post without losing what I'm typing here (well, I probably can, but don't know how to) so can't point to a specific example, but I spotted a couple of instances. It's a really small thing but it always improves a bit of work when the writer cracks it.
Anyway, I wanted to say hi as you've been nice about my debut novel, Broken, in a couple of tweets you've done, which is really appreciated. I see you're doing a creative writing course and want to be the best writer you can possibly be, so good luck and definitely keep going.
I'm setting up a blog - http://danielclaysblog.blogspot.com/ - aimed at helping unpublished writers go about submitting to slush-piles plus offering to look at the opening pages of novels. I'm not sure if the advice would be any help to someone based in the US, but the offer to look at work is open to anyone, anywhere, and I do my best to give honest, constructive feedback. The blog isn't quite finished at the moment but it's 100% free, as is the feedback, and there are no catches, so feel free to drop by and say hi. My e-mail is daniel.clay3@ntlworld.com. Also, re the course you're doing, if there's a list of questions you or your classmates would like to ask about the process I went through to get Broken published - or anything else writing based at all - e-mail them over and I'll do my best to answer.
Best wishes, and thanks again for being kind about Broken.
Daniel Clay
@Daniel Clay
Hello! Wow, I can't tell you how grateful I am for your visit and advice. Thank you so much! I'm still working on those tenses but I think I'm finally getting better at catching them. :) But thank you so much for reading my entry! I feel honored you took the time to come by and leave a comment. :) BROKEN is actually my favorite book; it was so powerful and emotionally engaging I couldn't put it down. I'll definitely save your blog to my favorites and spread the word to my friends. :)
Thank you so much, again!
-- Janira (aka "Zerah")
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